In
my lifetime I have attended 14 weddings, 4 in America and 10 in Ethiopia. If
you look purely at the numbers you would probably expect me to know a lot more
about the goings on in Ethiopian weddings and knowing what to expect. In
reality though, I am still much more informed about weddings in America.
Although I have only personally attended 4, I have movies, TV shows, and lots
of stories and pictures from others to relate to how a wedding is conducted and
what is expected. In Ethiopia however, it is a much different story. The only
examples I have are the ones I have gone to, and even then I am never entirely
sure what is going on.
This
past weekend the girl that lives in my compound, one of my landlady’s daughters
got married. I just learned she was getting married about a month ago, but
after I heard about it, that’s been all that’s happened in my compound. My
landlady invited all of my Peace Corps friends who visited my compound in the
last month, which meant Jessie, Ally, Jimi, and Sylvia were all extended an
invitation.
In
America wedding invitations are printed, a wedding guest list is carefully
prepared, generally with numbers being counted, especially if the wedding is at
a place where individual place settings are prepared. Most weddings there is
only a certain number and type of people, family and friends of the bride and
groom, invited. In Ethiopia however, the entire community is invited with
invitations being printed and passed out to most everyone, some people not even
receiving formal invitations. The week before the wedding invitations were
passed out in my teachers lounge and I didn’t realize they were for the wedding
in my compound, so I was hurt at first because I thought I was being left out
of a wedding all the other teachers were being invited to, but then I realized
it was Mahlet’s wedding, and I didn’t feel bad anymore, because I didn’t need
an invitation.
Food
and drink is prepared so that no matter how many people walk into the tent,
they have enough for everyone, including the beggars that occasionally stop by
to receive a plate of food. Jessie’s family had many different animals
slaughtered, and they didn’t serve as much meat as mine did. I’m not sure how
many cows, goats, sheep, and chickens were bought slaughtered, but I am
guessing it was quite a few and therefore quite a bit of money. Cows are not
cheap animals here, with sheep, goats, and chickens being more common.
In
America there are generally other people besides just the bride and grooms
family and friends involved in the planning and execution of the wedding.
Whether they hire a wedding planner, a caterer, or a wedding venue, there are
people to help plan, set up, cook, serve, and take down the wedding. In
Ethiopia the community is relied upon to do all of that. It is a great showing
of one of the many things I admire about this country. Not only is the extended
family involved in the wedding itself, but the extended family, friends,
neighbors, and sometimes it seems random people, are all brought in to set up,
cook, serve, and clean up afterwards.
Jessie’s
compound family had a wedding 2 weekends before mine, so I was hearing some of
what went on from her. She lives at the grooms’ house and I live at the brides’,
which means that different preparations and ceremonies are set up at them. From
what we gathered and observed, much more happens at the brides house before the
wedding, where as much more happens at the grooms house after the wedding. This
means that the week and a half before the wedding took place I had people
streaming in and out of my compound, with occasional compound guests, from
around 6am to late after I went to sleep. They were all introduced as family,
although Ethiopians introduce everyone as brothers and sisters, so I’m not
entirely sure how many people I actually met the past month were family, and
how they are related.
The
Thursday a week before the wedding I was invited out of my room at about 9 to
the other part of my compound to listen to music, dance with my compound
family, drink coffee and then Ouzo (disgusting alcohol that they seem to love,
they take it as shots and put it in tea and coffee), and keep other girls from
my compound company as they broke up burned injira to make sewa. I finally excused
myself at about 10:30 to go to bed, although the music was still pumping. That
was the beginning of the preparation for the sewa and food. It was relatively
quiet the next few days, except for when a cinderblock wall and tarp was put up
in my compound as a sewa house to make and store all the sewa (the only drink
served at the wedding). That is, until Thursday (3 days before the wedding)
when I woke up at 5:45am to men’s voices, walked outside my room, and saw the
massive amounts of men in the other part of my compound putting up giant logs
to make a tent of sorts.
I
left my compound to teach, and when I came back the same types of beams were
not only in the open space across the wall from my room, but also in the
entrance way to my compound and there was a tarp tied on top to make a tent,
much like the one Luke made for Rory’s going away party in “Gilmore Girls.” I
entered my compound to find a massive amount of women chopping onions,
potatoes, and carrots. Onion chopping parties are a very common thing here, as
all Ethiopian food dishes require them, and so we don’t really count your
Ethiopian Peace Corps service as complete without having “attended one” aka,
helped chop onions. I did not have class Friday as my schools finals started,
so much like Thursday I left my compound to get Internet with many people in my
compound already, hanging out, drinking buna, talking, and working to prepare.
Jessie came in Friday, so we arrived back at my house to even more women than
when I left. When we arrived back in my compound Rahwa a girl who lives next to
me braided Jessies and mine hair back “habasha style”. Some girls here get
intricate braid designs, however with our hair not really made to braid, she
just did corn rows back. The first half of her hair took an hour, because her
hair is so long and Rahwa was doing fairly small braids, but she did bigger
ones of the other side of her hair, so it went quicker. My entire head took
less than an hour, although her hands were probably exhausted. We listened to
my “Let’s Jam” iTunes playlist which is basically upbeat rap and pop songs with
good beats, and we jammed out with my door and window open with Ethiopians
occasionally popping in to see how the firenji hair was going.
Saturday
I was not in my compound for much of the day, because Ally, Jessie, and I were
having “firenji” time, but when we came back in the afternoon it seemed like a
bee hive, full of noise and buzzing around, as every person had their role and
they knew exactly what they were supposed to do, without being told or asked.
Many more members of their family were staying with us at this point, although
I’m still unclear how many siblings my land family actually has. I am certain
however that I have now met more of their family than I ever have of my own
back in America. I’m convinced Ethiopians rarely sleep anyways, but with the
intensity of the wedding on Sunday, I don’t think they slept at all Saturday
night. I went to bed fairly late (we started watching a new TV show), and they
were still busy as bees at 11pm, and were up Sunday morning before dawn.
Sunday
morning I was not sure what to expect. The invitation said that the wedding
started at 6 (their time) or noon (our time), but I knew from experience that
that’s a very tentative time. Jessie, Ally, and I got dressed around 10:30 and
got ready. Jessie and I had gotten our hair braided “habasha style” Friday by
Rahwa, a girl in my compound, and we had our new gold traditional dresses we
bought the weekend before with my landlady. Ally had on jeans and her hair was
not done in braids, but she did wear an Ethiopian shawl. I put in my contacts
for the first time at site, and put on makeup for only the 3rd or 4th
time in service. I was expecting people to say something, because I look
different without my glasses, but no Ethiopians commented. We were called out
to food at around noon by one of the compound sisters, and so we were served
fir fir, dinish wat, and a few different kinds of meat all with massive amounts
of burbery, and instructed to sit down on a bench in the wedding tent. We were
some of the first people there and the only women for quite a while. Luckily
soon other women started trickling in. The music from a live band started
playing and soon the women were up dancing in a circle, which is a regular
occurrence at any gathering with more than 3 or 4 Ethiopians.
At
one point Jessie, Ally, and I were all pulled up to dance in the circle and I
am fairly certain we are now on at least 50 men’s’ and boy’s camera phones. The
thing about Tigrinya music and dancing is that the songs tend to all sound the
same and they go on for a very long time. The dancing is all the same as well,
with their shoulders moving in what looks like a simple way, but is actually
extremely difficult. I cannot seem to move them back and forth like the
Ethiopians, and so I tend to make a fool of myself. But, they love that I’m
trying and laugh with me when I laugh at myself (actually, they are probably
laughing at me, but I like to convince myself otherwise).
We
continued to sit there and people watch as more people came in and out. Another
difference between American weddings and Ethiopian weddings—at American
weddings there is a start type and at most weddings, ending time and you come
at the beginning and generally stay for the whole time. In Ethiopia, you show
up, eat, maybe stay and socialize, drink a cup of sewa or 2, and then leave. It
is rare to stay for the whole thing, probably because it takes so long, you
might not be that close to the bride and groom or family, and you are taking up
room that could be used by someone else, since so many people are invited and
need to be seated and fed.
After
awhile the groom arrived with the bridesmaids and grooms men. They came from
the groom’s house celebration. I don’t know what goes on there. The groom was
“escorted in” and cheered on along with the wedding party by some of the
community members and family. It is like a parade around the tent as he is
presented by his family and friends. Following him was the suitcases given as
gifts to the bride by his family, open for all the guests to see what is being
exchanged. This is a tradition, even among “modern Ethiopians”. Later in the
ceremony more gifts and money between families were exchanged in front of the
wedding guests and party by a priest.
After this
presentation, I was called into my part of the compound to cheer with the
family and close friends as the bride and groom made their procession from the
bride’s house to the wedding tent. She came into her house to freshen up while
the groom was being presented. Mahlet (the bride) looked absolutely beautiful
in her princess dress, and her groom looked hip and handsome in his tux and
Ray-Ban sunglasses. They had a parade again of themselves and her family to the
main tent (through a doorway). They were seated on a platform along with their
wedding party of tuxes and yellow bridesmaids dresses.
At
this point more food was brought out for the wedding party to eat and then some
of the guests who were sitting in front. I was told to get food, and although I
didn’t feel comfortable being pushed in front of others because I was the
“firenji” (I lost my seat by Ally and Jessie when I went to join the family, so
they were sitting separately), by the time I got up to the food it was all gone,
which I felt relieved about to not have to be pressured to take food I didn’t
want. However, I was asked if I like meat. When I said yes, a few men proceeded
to give me a plate with 2 huge chicken breasts soaked in burbery and I ate them
to be polite (they were very good and reminded me a little bit of home).
At
this point I had sat in about 4 different places in the tent, having been
called to one place or another and losing my seat every time I tried to come
back to sit. I was asked to move again as they were setting up the cake and
fireworks, yup you read that correct. Jessie and Ally were tired and left to go
take a walk and relax in my room. I felt obligated to stay longer though, since
it was my compound wedding so I sat next to a couple from Mekele and talked
with them for awhile, until I was asked to move. The bride and groom and bridal
party got up and stood behind the cake. Much like an American wedding, there
was a cutting of the cake and they fed a bite to each other with guests looking
on. They also drank champagne and one of the groomsmen sprayed a bottle of
champagne on the guests, another tradition that seems to be shared with
America.
They
then lit sparklers that the bridal party held as a song played. That is
harmless enough, however they also put what seemed to be almost firecrackers in
front of the cake, and when they were lit and went off sparks spread far in the
enclosed tent, hitting people especially the kids who were in front to see. In
America that would be against about 30 fire codes, but here there is no such
thing and luckily no one got hurt. The entire thing was being filmed by a
professional photo and video crew, who ruined quite a few of my photos by
having giant lights and video cameras in front of the bride and groom for most
of the evening.
In
America there are a few traditional dances, mainly a “first dance” by the bride
and groom, and a father-daughter dance, which is started by the bride and her
father. Here however, their “first dance” is to a Tigrinya song where they
dance like all the others with their bridal party. At this point I was
exhausted, my phone was out of space with the amount of photos and videos I had
taken, and it seemed like the party was winding down, so I excused myself to go
back to my room. The bride and groom and bridal party stayed for a dance or two
more, but then they left to go back to the groom’s house.
Jessie
was at the groom’s house for her wedding, so the music and party lasted until
late in the evening/early in the morning (however you want to look at it).
However, because I was at the bride’s house, the party itself was over by 8 or
9, luckily. The work to clean up started that evening and is still continuing
days later.
As
I got to observe this wedding from the beginning to the end and I got to see
the “behind the scenes” as well as observe as a guest, I have really come to
appreciate how much work goes into these events and I’m a little impressed they
run at all, because I’m so used to the organization that goes on in America. Here,
everyone has a job, everyone has a role, everyone knows what it is, yet it
doesn’t seem to be clearly communicated, it’s just known. Boys who I have never
seen before pick up plates of food eaten, bring around extra injira, and bring
around knitting soaked in water to wash hands. Men bring around sewa cups and
pots to serve and fill up cups even if they are mostly full. Women serve food
at banquet/potluck style tables when you first walk into the tent. The
musicians play music for people to dance. The family and close family friends
tend to stay in the back and the other side of the compound, eating, making
sure things run in a semi-timely manner and greeting people as they walk in.
Some
guests wore jeans and high heel shoes (those are the “Addis” or “Mekele” people
as we call them, those who look high fashioned and have an air that they are
from a bigger city in Ethiopia), some wore skirts or less traditional dresses
with shawls, and yet others wore nice, traditional dresses. Some were dresses
you could they wear every day, where as others looked like they are pulled out
for special occasions. My landladies and the rest of their family were dressed
up very nicely in matching white traditional dresses with gold and red
trimmings and big gold jewelry traditionally worn to show wealth. The men were
dressed in tuxes and bowties, and the 2 little nieces were dressed in adorable
white dresses that were like flower girls (they would have played that role had
we been in America). Their hair was done in the Tigrinya bumps, although they
had 7, which is only done for very special events (the “normal” is 3 or 4). It
was an interesting mix of attendees, from the elders in the community, to
teachers (my landlady is the librarian at my school), to the entire neighborhood,
to the bride and grooms friends from Addis, Mekele, and Axum. Ally, Jessie, and
I were also there, which tripled the “firenji count” from a normal wedding.
Even
though the wedding was on Sunday, the celebrations and gatherings comtinue. I
went to Jessie’s site on Monday morning and got back today (I’m writing this
Wednesday), and most of their family is still in my compound, and I had a hard
time walking to my door earlier because the plates, cups, and tubs used for the
wedding were all still in my compound. I am not sure where the bride and groom
stay after the wedding and for how long (although in Jessie’s wedding the bride
and groom are at Jessie’s compound, which is the groom’s family’s house).
Mahlet is apparently going to Bahar Dar for their “honeymoon”. As I am writing
this, there is currently another “onion chopping party” going on outside my
door and I can hear chickens being killed, yet it’s 9pm the Wednesday after the
wedding. The family of the bride is still staying at my house, and I am not really
sure when they will head back to their own houses. So maybe the bride has
another party this weekend.
Although
this wedding, and the others I have attended in Ethiopia are very different, I
do enjoy them. Dancing Ethiopian style can be exhausting, I have a hard time
when I have to sit next to men who are too drunk to even talk in proper
Tigrinya, there can be so much food and sewa, it can be difficult when the
Ethiopians expect you to know what to do, and it can get very claustrophobic, I
still love to attend weddings. This one was a special one for me because my
land family has become my surrogate family over here. They introduce me as
their daughter when we go places, they are always there to give me buna, food,
or a smile, they help me buy things at market, and they make sure I’m alright
when I’m tired or sick. Mahlet is like my sister here and seeing her married to
whom I hope is a great man was emotional for me. I was included as part of the
family on this day, and I am forever grateful to them for everything they do
for me every day here.
I
sometimes have difficult days in my service, this came at the end of the
semester when I was fed up with the Ethiopian school system and was feeling
extremely homesick, and the preparation for the celebration exhausted me just
watching it and constantly having people in my compound, even though I didn’t
do much. But seeing how the community and their family came together to prepare
the food, the venue, and then serve the food, make sure it ran smoothly, and everything
else I wasn’t even aware of is a prime example of how community based this
culture is. Everyone has a role that they play, everyone knows what theirs is,
and they do it willingly and with a smile, to help the person next to them.
Sometimes
we aren’t always told what is going on or why it is. As Volunteers our
community doesn’t always realize they have to explain ceremonies or
celebrations, traditions or cultural rules and expectations. We generally have
to figure them out on our own. This wedding was no different, with lots of
things happening I still don’t understand, and my role not explained. What I do
know is that no matter what the wedding looked like, no matter how different it
was from the comfort of an American wedding, it’s still celebrating love,
commitment, and community, even if from the outside it looks much different.
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